


Conversations

by kxkka



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chefs, Deep Meaningful Conversations, Funeral, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Please Help Me Tag This, Slow Burn, the whole chefs thing is not all that relevant actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-03-05 22:15:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13397370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxkka/pseuds/kxkka
Summary: John Laurens has been putting on a mask for 28 years.Now his father is dead.Now what?





	1. Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> This was honestly impossible to summarise and tag.
> 
> This work will be divided in John and Alex's conversations, interspersed through time.  
> The first one occurs at Henry Laurens' funeral, so heads up if that might make you feel shitty.

  _The first time they met was at a funeral_

 

     It was winter but the air was suffocating. John made a motion to loosen his tie but stopped midway, not really in the mood for a discussion. Twenty eight years of locking in his personality had taught him a thing or two about what he could get away with at any given time, and a funeral was definitely not the place to be loose with his own restrictions.

     He'd been standing alone on the same place for too long, someone was bound to notice him. _Walk like you mean it_. He crossed the room with faked purpose, hoping it would deter anyone from addressing him. He looked around subtly; the room was full of people, and he wondered how many of the sad faces were real -if any. If there's anything that these people excelled at it's putting on the appropriate mask. A few years and some well placed slaps had taught him how to smile and nod his way through any kind of function, and today was no different. Or rather, it should have been no different, except the air was suffocating. It choked John in two specific ways. His father was gone, so this whole charade was a celebration to the man he'd moved away to escape. Every piece of conversation he caught sang praises to his integrity, his character; he'd even heard a lady he'd never met speak of his sense of humor, which would have actually been a decent joke. There was no running away from the shadow of Henry, but at the same time, that was all he was now. A shadow. Everything Henry could have done to hurt him, he'd done, but now he could do no more. It meant a sort of freedom that should have felt like relief. But John's throat still felt tight.

     He'd lived in that house for most of his life but it seemed as if all his old hiding places had been invaded today. They probably wouldn't even feel as safe as they did when he was growing up anyway.

     He'd stopped by the window for a moment when saw Dr. Klein coming his way and _there's no fucking way I can survive that conversation_. He grabbed hold of the nearest door and walked in and... _Okay. This is new_.

     The house's kitchen had never been a warm space, it was always a place where he was in the way, liable to make a mess, or get hurt, or _don't you think you've had enough to eat, John? I don't think your girlfriend would appreciate you getting soft_. But this looked nothing like that place. There were five people in the room, cooking, arranging platters. Smiling. A woman with straight black hair pulled into a tight ponytail noticed him as he paced the room and gave him a kind smile -different to the one she wore before: polite, professional.

"Sir, is there anything you need?"

     The caterers. Of course there were professional caterers. He shouldn't have expected anything less.

"Oh, no, I just. I just needed a breather from the whole..." He made a silly face, tightening his jaw and widening his eyes in mock pain. _Maybe not best to appear psychotic_  -but could he really be bothered right now? It was the first second of peace he'd felt since he'd got the call.

     The woman smiled a bit wider as a man to her left actually snorted. "Well, you can rest here a bit, your secret's safe with me. Well, us, I guess?" She side-eyed the man, who was looking down, sporting a shy smile as he mixed ingredients in a bowl.

     John sat down on one of the stools by the far side of the kitchen - _have these even been used before?_ \- and closed his eyes. The faint noises of hushed conversations between the people there calmed him down. Even if he couldn't make out any words, the cadence and rhythm of it felt so different from the stagnant air that reigned just through the wooden double doors on the other side of the room that it was enough to lift a bit of the weight he felt on his shoulders.

 

"Rise and shine, beautiful."

     John opened his eyes - _because apparently I take naps at funerals now, great_ \- and was confused to see a smirk-sporting man he'd never met in front of him.

"What... Shit, how long was I out?" He ran his hands through the fabric of his suit, worried he might have wrinkled it.

"Just a few minutes, I think. I wouldn't have bothered you but you're kind of blocking my bag." The man was pointing beneath him and, sure enough, there was a duffel bag trapped behind John's legs. He barely moved sideways and he was already crouched next to him, his hair grazing his leg while  _you're still asleep John, wake up, get up, and stop being a creep!_

"Sorry, I... I shouldn't be in here." He was up. He was standing nervously while the man climbed out of his bag with a big, scary knife and a lopsided smile that John couldn't decipher the meaning of.

"Hey man, chill. I'm a cook, not a killer. Same instruments, _wildly_ different reputation!" John stood there, slightly uncomfortable. He didn't feel like he should be there, but his mind had cleared enough to remember how much he didn't want to be outside that kitchen. He glanced at the door that separated him from his family and sighed.

"I'm Alexander." He said suddenly, extending his free hand. John hesitated. "I swear I'm certified to hold all kinds of cutting instruments without hurting anyone."

     Alexander smiled as if they were meeting at a hipster café and he'd just accidentally bumped into him in a wonderfully clichéd meet-cute. John wasn't sure how he would have reacted to him if that was the context; of course he would meet a cute stranger at his father's funeral of all places. _See?_   _Even the universe wants to flip you off, old man._

"John. Hi. I'm sorry, I'm... a mess, honestly. I didn't mean to disturb you guys I just... Really, really don't want to go back out there."

     A tall man mumbling something unintelligible walked past them, grabbing Alexander's knife from his hand and setting up at the counter cutting some sort of vegetable John didn't recognise.

"I guess that's boss-speak for 'take a break'. You want some water or something? It's on the house -quite literally." Alexander walked towards the fridge and took out two water bottles. He returned to John's side and sat on the stool next to his, gesturing for him to take a seat.

"So, were you close to the guy?" _That's_ one _way to start a conversation._ And saying he was the orphan would be a good way of killing it, so John tried a different route.

"Um... Kind of? He was... He was family, I just... I don't think he knew me at all, so it's weird."

"How so?" John didn't expect that question. Most people would get the cue and change the subject. It wasn't as uncomfortable as it was refreshing, so he decided to roll with it.

"Okay, like. You know how, with different people, you maybe show more of one side of you than another? Like a coworker versus a classmate versus a childhood friend, I guess? According to, I don't know, the context of your relationship or the things you have in common or a general sense of trust, I suppose, you're not 100% yourself. You fit yourself to the situation, but it's not really you. You try to bring out the side of you that's more convenient and... Am I sounding like a sociopath?"

"Not at all." Alexander smiled, not breaking the focused eye-contact he'd established since John had opened his mouth. It was strange, having so much attention on him.

"Well, with him, I... I don't think I ever showed him any side of me that was real. Maybe when I was little, I guess. He didn't really know me, and... I don't know how much of him I knew, even. Like, can you really know someone when you're not being yourself? There's no way to connect, there's nothing in common because even your starting point is a lie. I just..." He looked away, biting his lip.

"It's complicated."

He tried for a laugh but all that came out was only a loud puff of air. "Yeah, that's pretty much it."

-

"Family's so strange." How long had they been talking already? "I mean, the concept of it sounds great, right? Group of people that knows you your whole life and helps you and is just _there_ , unconditionally; a place where you belong." Alexander paused to take a bite out of an hors d'oeuvre. The other caterers had been leaving little things near them every time they passed by. "Sounds fucking fantastic alright." John wasn't sure why this man hadn't been called out about neglecting his work, but he didn't feel like questioning it. "But... I mean, I don't have a family. Even when I was little, it was just me and my mom, and I used to dream about this big Sunday family dinners, right? Where all these aunts and uncles and cousins and nephews got together and they laughed and teased each other and shared stuff and were all... Warm and shit. As I got older though, I started getting witness reports from actual big families and let me tell you, it was never really like that. It was always... Tense, and reproachful, and so full of this... pressure."

"The little boxes." John said around a piece of bread as he nodded.

"What?"

"The little boxes people want you to fit. You know, humans, we like order. We categorise shit. Same with people. And when it's family, oof!" He shook his head slightly, a stray curl finding its way out of the neat ponytail he sported. "I actually think having kids is kind of fucked up in a way. Like, it's great in concept, like you said, but the reality is parents pouring all these expectations... Like things they wished they would have done with their lives, or how they want others to see their family, or this big model idea of what their household will look like. It just takes all agency away from this little thing you've brought to life, you know? Even if say, you're a good parent, and you're loose with those expectations, it's still there. Every time your kid strays from that path you've imagined for him, you cringe. And even if you think your kid can't tell, they can. They always can. We've got like a sixth sense for parental disappointment." John laid his head back against the wall. "I can barely live with myself disappointing others, I wouldn't be able to stand making someone else feel they were disappointing me."

"I guess I get it. I don't know... I've only ever been accountable to myself, really. My mom died when I was twelve and ever since then the only expectations I've had to fulfil have been my own and it... Well, it hasn't always been easy. At least now I don't expect I'll become the first Latino man to perform a rap concert in space like I did at 14, that would have been a bitch to live up to."

     Alex could see the corners of John's mouth lift upwards, and his hand lifted to cover what was probably a bright smile. 

"Are you ashamed of your face or something? 'Cause, for the record, I don't think you should be, man."

John decided to ignore that for the sake of his already burdened heart. If he thought about it too much, there was a pool of guilt building up inside of him for spending his father's service talking to a cute chef about things he was never able to discuss under Henry's roof.

"I shouldn't smile, Alexander, this is a funeral."

"You shouldn't, yet you are." He smirked and _oh that's just not fair_. "Who told you smiling was a bad thing? I mean, I get that the context is less than ideal, but your body's reacting to something that made you somewhat happy. How can that be a bad thing?"

John wondered how Alexander had got to be so free. Had nobody ever told him he was being inappropriate? Or had he just told them to shove it and laughed loudly, unapologetically shaking his whole body? Was he always able to speak so freely in his life? Was this, such a rare occurrence for John, his average kind of conversation?

"I think you're reading way too much into this."

"Am I? I just think we repress ourselves more than enough already in life. You said it yourself, we're never 100% who we are, and that, my friend, is a real fucking tragedy." Alexander moved his hands a lot when he talked, John noticed. "I used to be terrified of looking stupid, you know?" John couldn't really imagine that. "Like the worst thing that could happen to me was someone thinking I was any less than brilliant. Law school was a mess for me."

"You went to law school?"

"Yup. Graduated with honours. I'm more than just a pretty face, John. I'm also a backstabbing asshole with a God complex and a fascination with money." He smiled brightly and _oh no, this is not charming at all_.

"No offence but, how does a big shot Lawyer end up as a caterer?"

"With a lot of good luck, John." Alexander's smile changed, it took on a softer quality, a fondness. "I thought law school and all it entailed was what I wanted, my name in big silver letters behind a receptionist's desk and all that crap. Being important, being _someone_. But... You know, when you're scraping by, you aim for safety. Being a lawyer was safe, I had the brains and the drive for that, no doubt, but... This is going to sound cheesy as hell, but the truth is I didn't have the heart for it. I worked for a year in a big firm; I was the star new kid everyone loved to hate. All of a sudden, my career path was clearly outlined in front of my eyes. No more uncertainty, that was it, all I had to do was keep walking and I'd be _making it_." He sighed. "I swear, John, I've been on the verge of death, I've seen everything I ever loved disappear in front of my eyes, but I don't think I've ever been more fucking terrified than I was at that point in my life. I'd been so focused in getting there I hadn't ever let myself wonder if that was the life I wanted. I was 25, living in New York City for fuck's sake, and I had zero friends. My life consisted on working and ordering Chinese food at 1 AM. Enter Lafayette."

     He pointed at the tall man he had previously identified as his boss and his whole face shifted. There was something there, in his eyes, in the quirk of his smile, something that John had never felt before. It made the knot in his throat come back a bit, made him realise it had almost faded in the past hour.

"He's special to you." John all but whispered. He was suddenly very aware of himself, of the peculiar intrusion he meant in this kitchen.

"He's special, period." Alexander's eyes came back to him and John felt himself shrink a bit. "There's no other man in the world that could have helped me like he did. It's kind of what he does, I guess. He helps people. Doesn't even realise how much." He took a breath and spoke quietly, his face inching closer, sharing in a secret. "You know that thing we were saying, about being fully yourself? He is. 100%. All the time. With everyone. It's kind of amazing, I wouldn't think it was possible if I hadn't met him."

John let his gaze drift towards this man. He was placing some round pastries on a tray with a delicate touch, a peaceful smile on his face. Now that he allowed himself to think about it, he didn't seem like a boss. Everyone he'd ever known in a position of power had been keen to make a show of it. Standing on a taller ledge just because they could. Lafayette was working just as hard as everyone else. Everyone but Alexander, actually.

"Shit, I-" John stopped himself. He was going to say he was intruding, he should let him get back to it. But.

"What's wrong?"

"I..." The suffocating feeling was back. The realisation that just because time had stood still inside that kitchen, within the confines of their conversation, it wouldn't stay that way forever. He couldn't stay that way forever. "Don't want you to get in trouble, I should... Go."

He didn't move. His hands gripped the seat tightly and his gaze was locked on a random spot on the floor. He took a deep breath and Alexander placed a soft hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, relax, John, I... There's a reason no one's said anything. I might have changed career paths but I'm still an obnoxious overachiever. Everyone's probably glad I'm finally taking a break." John thought he heard someone yell _Damn right we are!_  but it sounded so distant. It was as if he was already out there again. Facing the faces and the fakeness and the guilt. The bubble had burst and he actually felt like mourning.

"This guy... it's hitting you pretty bad, huh?"

"I'm... I don't know... There's just a lot. In my mind and. Him, you, I just... I wish I could stay in here."

"Why's that, John?" Their voices were so soft now, he could barely believe they were really there.

"Because... Out there, I... I don't know who I am, now. Who I'm supposed to be. He's gone and I should be sad and I should also be relieved but I guess I'm... I'm just scared." John let out a long breath as he realised how much he'd needed to say that, even if it was to a stranger.

"And in here, you're not?"

"No. Not here. It seems simpler here, with you. Maybe because we're strangers but- What?" Alexander's face had twisted in a weird half-smile, half-offended look.

"Really, John? You'd still consider us strangers?"

"Well, I meant..." John paused. He swallowed the pre-made answer to seem polite and really thought about it. About everything they'd talked about. About what they'd shared.

He tried to pinpoint which sides of himself he'd let shown, which ones he'd been hiding. How he'd segmented himself to fit within Alexander's point of view and found himself struggling. He hadn't even realised it, but he'd laid himself bare in front of this man, and it had felt good, it had felt liberating, and maybe it would be okay not to stop.

"I'm gay." It was sort of like hearing someone else speak, but John recognised his own voice.

"That's what you meant?" Alexander had a teasing look in his face but his smile was kind.

"I just figured... I'm being more honest with you than I've ever been with anyone. Why half-ass it?"

"That's a good approach." A pause. "I'm bisexual, you know?"

"I'd never told anyone that."

"Really? I wear it on my fucking sleeve."

"Well, don't I feel special."

"Don't you?" He was looking at him with those eyes, those big, intense eyes that seemed to be daring him to be honest and up front. It was the complete opposite of how he'd spent his whole life and _dammit, I want to be worthy of that challenge._

"I... I kinda do, actually. Thanks." He was smiling a bit and everything around them seemed to blur for a few seconds. John felt as close to content as he could imagine.

Martha's head appeared between the doors and she sagged in relief when her red-rimmed eyes landed on John's figure.

"There you are!" Just like that, it was broken. John straightened his tie. "Grandma's looking for you. She wants to say a few words and wants us with her." He sighed, and it took him a few extra seconds to school his face into the proper expression. Of an honor-bound commitment or something.

"Yeah, sure. Sorry."

"John, I know this is weird for you but she... She just lost her son. She needs us."

"I know. I'll be right out."

She looked at Alexander for just a second, nodded and left. John inhaled.

"I have to... Yeah." He stood up. He turned around. His movements felt robotic. He wanted desperately to say something else, to have a proper goodbye, to not feel ungrateful, but he was slipping into autopilot. He straightened his spine as he reached the door. He exhaled.

"Don't let him haunt you." Alexander was holding his wrist, appearing as if magically by his side again. "I know death can have that effect. It can make people seem bigger than they ever were. But your father, he was just a man. No more so than you are."

John stared at him. 

"Here, just." He fumbled with his apron and took out a business card. "That's my cellphone there. If you ever want to talk or... book a caterer, or whatever. Just. Yeah."

"Thank you, Alex." He smiled, not covering his face this time.

It only lasted a second before his brows furrowed, his eyes lost their light and his posture stiffened as he walked through the door to say his last goodbyes to his father.

 

The sounds of the kitchen reached Alexander's ears again as he stared at the closed door.

"Any time, John."


	2. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks later, they text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this has turned into a very needed venting fic for me, so I'm writing faster than I thought I would.  
> (Also I'm neglecting my other fic, because I have to think so much to write that one and this one just... flows... But if you're interested, go read it! I'm not abandoning it, promise)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's commented and left kudos and read. I'm glad you're finding something nice in this, too.

Alexander looked around and smiled. He hadn't been completely honest with John about one thing. He'd wished for a big family when he was a kid, yes, and he had indeed understood the idea he had in his mind was utopian at best, but it's not something he'd ever stopped looking for. Sitting at Angelica's table and laughing at Hercules' silly jokes, he was pretty sure he'd found it.

They didn't all get together as much as he would like; he worked with Lafayette and Eliza, yes, but everyone else's schedules often times conflicted and it was simply unrealistic for them to be able to sustain their weekly dinners like they'd first agreed to. It was lovely though, to see that no matter how much time passed between their meetings, the feeling of intimacy and familiarity never faded. He'd been convinced of this for some time, but seeing their friends' faces all together reminded him of how much more significant this kind of family was to him. He thought of John, how closed off he'd seemed; trying to find out who he was by figuring out how much of himself he could disclose. Alex had never had the chance to find out if that's how it would have been with his genetic family. He had fond memories of his mother, but he'd never know how she would have reacted to so many things, to his sexuality, to his career choices, to his hairstyle. Would they have collided? Would she had been understanding? Would she have influenced him in ways he couldn't imagine? Would he had taken the same paths if she'd been there by his side to offer guidance and support? Or if she'd been a contradicting force in his life?

"Yo, what's with the frown, Hams? You down?" Hercules brought him back to the present.

"Nah, just thinking. I really love you guys, you know?"

"Awww, the big shot lawyer's got a heart!" Angelica loved teasing him about his previous career. They'd been classmates at law school, actually, though he'd only got to really know her through Eliza, years later. She'd ditched corporate law as soon as she could, and now worked for the ACLU; had even tried to recruit Alexander a couple of times but he couldn't see himself back in that kind of life.

"Surprise, surprise!" He wiggled his fingers in mock jazz hands as everybody laughed. "For real though, you guys are my family, I just... I just keep realising how lucky I am to have found you all."

They were all silent for a moment, until Eliza raised her glass.

"Hear, hear!" She chanted, and everyone echoed her sentiment with a smile.

- 

It had been two weeks since the funeral when Alexander got a text message from John.

 

**John L.  
** _Hey, it's John, from the funeral? God, that sounds awful. But it's true, I guess, so... Anyway, I just wanted to say I've been thinking about you a lot, about everything we talked about. I'm not sure I properly thanked you. That little while we were together, it meant a lot to me. It helped me get through that day and it's come up a lot in my thoughts since then, while trying to make sense of the way things are rearranging now. This is so weird to write as a text, you're going to think I'm crazy but. Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you. So. Yeah. Thank you, Alexander. I hope you're well._

**Alex H.  
** _It's so good to hear from you, John. I've been wondering how you were, and you managed to write a long ass text without really saying much about it, which I guess is quite a feat in itself. But seriously, how are you doing? Are you staying at your family's house? I don't even know if you usually live in South Carolina or if you were down there for the event (Is it better to call it that? Or does it make it more obvious I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, therefore actually making it a big deal? Your call). You don't need to thank me, I enjoyed talking to you and I'm glad to know it helped you somewhat. I know we don't really know each other, but any time you need to talk, I'm here, yeah? Like, about this, or about the weather, or about the economy of Norway (That's not totally random, I do know a lot about that, actually)._

 

Alex paused for a moment before writing a second message. He didn't want to appear too eager, but then again their first meeting had been an oversharing marathon. For once, his brutal honesty might be put to a noble use.

 

**Alex H.  
** _As for me, I've been well. To be honest, I've been thinking a lot about our conversation, too. It's been a while since I shared a bit of my life story and it's enlightening to think through some choices again and reconsider where I'm at right now. I don't think we talked about this but I feel very strongly about the idea of chosen family, and I believe I've found that, finally. It's so close to what I'd pictured as a child. I wish you could see it, John. I think you'd like them. I hope you have people like that in your life too. I don't want to be presumptuous, but from what you said I got the feeling that you didn't, and that seems like a bummer. But I don't know, maybe you and your sister are tight as hell and I'm being an asshole. Feel free to let me know, I'm quite used to receiving that sort of criticism and am confident I can redirect my energy to some less asshole-ish remarks._

Alex put down his phone and wrinkled his nose. He liked being himself via text, he liked those well thought out long messages he sent, but even with his closest friends there was always the instant fear, after hitting send. That nagging feeling that he was being a pain, that absolutely no one texted like that and that there was a reason for that. And with John, it was uncharted territory, in a way. If he'd been a total stranger it might have been easier, Alex might have been able to feign disinterest and use a "this is me, if he doesn't like it so be it" attitude. But as much of a stranger as he still was, he felt like he knew John, and John knew him, in a way. That conversation at the funeral hadn't been a common get-to-know thing, but it had connected them in a deeper way, or so Alexander felt. John was a stranger and a friend at the same time, and he had no idea where he stood with him.

 

**John L.  
** _I'm sorry, are these essay-messages coming from the same person saying I wrote a "long ass text"? You're absolutely ridiculous, Alex._

**Alex H.  
** _Heh, sorry, I can be a bit overeager._

**John L.  
** _I think you're a good amount of eager._

**John L.  
** _Oh God, that sounded stupid._

"Hey Hammie- Whaaat's going on?" Lafayette burst into the room just as Alexander was about to start typing a response.

"Nothing, just texting." He didn't need to look in a mirror, the look on Lafayette's face told him he must have been smiling like an idiot at his phone.

"Good to see you still have all your clothes on, I'll leave before it gets awkward!"

"Laf! No! It's not like that, it's..." Alexander sighed, he wasn't sure why he was reluctant to share this with his friend. "It's John, the guy from the funeral a couple of weeks ago?"

"Oh, then it's exactly like that." Lafayette stood against the wall of his living room, where Alex had been lounging while his friend made lunch. He'd offered to help but as much of a team player as Laf was at work, in his own kitchen he needed to control every part of the process himself.

"Wha-" His phone pinged.

 

**John L.  
** _Alex? Please say you're not totally weirded out by me._

**John L.  
** _Or, well. You can be, I mean it's fine. I wish it wasn't the case but like, you have every right to be. So. Yeah. Sorry._

**Alex H.  
** _What?? No, John! That's so not the case. My friend just interrupted me as I was about to answer you._

**John L.  
** _Oh. Well now I feel like an idiot for overreacting._

**Alex H.  
** _You're fine, honest. I make a fool out of myself constantly, and I trust there are some people in this world that find it endearing, else I'd be completely fucked._

**Alex H.  
** _Or well, the opposite of fucked. You know. ANYWAY. I seem to recall I sent a few billion words your way, including inquiries on your wellbeing and current state of affairs, and all I got in response was a taunt. I believe the ball is, as they say, in your court, John._

**John L.  
** _I don't know about making a fool of yourself, but I do find your total honesty quite endearing, to be fair. You're right though, I kinda dodged your questions there. I've been... Alright, I guess. It's been weird, being back at the family home without my father's figure looming about. It was quite sudden, his death. I think that makes it easier to talk about, and also kind of harder to move on from. I didn't get to prepare for all that it entailed. I'm staying in my childhood bedroom and it's so strange. There's bits and pieces of me here, but also of the person I had to pretend to be. I mean, there's a big, sexy Angelina Jolie poster on one of the walls and all I can think of is how her make up looks weird. It's like a Museum of Fake Johns in here. It sounds lame but it's kind of accurate._

**Alex H.  
** _I'm going to ignore you calling me cute to address the more important things you said, lest we get sidetracked, but don't think I haven't noticed that, dear John._ _You're not so sneaky. Well, I guess you are if you managed to style your whole bedroom to be the image of every Straight Teen Stereotype. It must be bizarre to be there. What's your room like in your actual home? Please tell me you've painted a rainbow flag on all your walls or something completely overcompensating._

**John L.  
** _Oh my God, you're an idiot. No, my room's a light shade of grey, thank you very much. I do have a small pride flag on my desk. It was an impulse buy, when I first moved to New York, I didn't have much money but it felt like a good summary of why I needed to be there. It spent a long time hidden at the back of my closet though (I know, I know, please don't make a joke about this). Even being away from home, it took some time for me to really feel safe and comfortable with myself. I'm not sure I feel completely comfortable right now even, but this whole thing with my dad, it's been weirdly reassuring._

**John L.  
** _I mean, it's not that I wished he'd die, I'm still sad in a way. But it's sort of easier to feel okay with myself without his shadow over me. Or near me. Or anywhere in existence. God, I sound like an asshole now._

**John L.  
** _Please don't think I'm a shit person, there's a reason I didn't mention he was my father when we talked that day, I just... It's all blood and genetics, you know? And yes, he did do good things for me, he made sure I had a roof over my head and he kept me fed and healthy but..._

**Alex H.  
** _Hey, I don't think you're shitty. We feel what we feel, and it's not always as straightforward as parent = love. I get that. I know you didn't wish for him to die, but it makes sense that you'd be somewhat relieved now._

**Alex H.  
** _It's not really the same but, my father, he was never around. He left when I was a kid. I know he's out there somewhere, I figure I would have found out somehow if he'd died, and knowing that... It's reassuring and taunting at the same time. I don't wish him harm, not anymore, at least, but I can't help but wonder about him, and it kind of pisses me off. It's weird, but I can't help feeling that way, I guess._

**John L.  
** _I get that. It must suck not to know anything about him, but perhaps it makes it easier not to care for him. All these years I felt so guilty. I'm... I've never said these things before, because I felt there was something wrong with me. I still kind of think that, but I just... I don't know that I loved him. He was my father, and everyone just assumes that you're going to love him no matter what. Even if it hurts. I've spoken to people who had way worse stories than I did and they said they still loved their parents, even if they couldn't understand them. Even if they hated loving them still. I just... Don't. Didn't._

**John L.  
** _You know, even when I left, I never came out to him, or anyone in my family. The whole fallout thing was career-related as far as anyone knew. Even him. I just made it seem like I was overreacting, but I couldn't face it anymore. We'd still talk every now and then, though. He'd call me and we'd chat as if nothing was wrong. He'd tell me about his problems and complain about the neighbours and I would nod along, my mind drifting somewhere else. But even if I knew I wasn't part of that life anymore, every time I hung up the phone I'd feel so drained. He would suck my energy in those calls. It seemed that all the miles between us weren't enough for me to detach myself from his influence. I started realising then, that if there was nothing in me that wanted to endure those things for his sake, that maybe I didn't really love him. I don't know. I still feel it's fucked up, but I can kind of say it now. Well, to you._

**Alex H.  
** _Maybe the fact that we're sort of strangers helps. I feel comfortable sharing myself with you too. I don't usually talk about my father... As for the rest of it, John, I... I don't know. I wish I could tell you a story that directly relates to your situation, but I don't have one. I can tell you this though, one of the most important things I've learned in my life is that you can't trust what other people say is right, or normal. We define our own 'right'. And maybe every other person in the planet has an undying love for their parents, and you don't. Would that make you a bad person? Or would it just mean you're different? And if you're just different, well... Different doesn't mean bad. I don't know. Maybe psychology would say otherwise, but I don't believe you can judge everyone with the same ideas, and as little as I know you, you seem like a caring person to me. If you were saying you didn't care for any other human being, then maybe I'd be a little reluctant to know you in fear of being brutally murdered, but that doesn't seem to be the case. And if I'm trusting you with my life, in a way, then you can't really be bad. I have excellent judgement. I used to be a lawyer, remember?_

**Alex H.  
** _I guess what I mean to say is, don't think so much into it. Your relationship with your dad will always be a tricky subject, but it doesn't define you._

**John L.  
** _Thanks. That's... That's actually not a bad way to think about it._

**John L.  
** _And no, I'm not a psychopath if that's what you were asking. I love my sister and... I care about my friends. There's not a lot of them, granted, but I'm not about to start beheading kittens in an alley. You're safe, for now._

**Alex H.  
** _That's reassuring._

The conversation was fading and Alexander didn't want it to. He wasn't sure what to say, how to connect any other topic to what they were just discussing, but he knew he didn't want John to leave to his own life again.

 

**Alex H.  
** _On a wildly different topic, I'm being serenaded by a loud Frenchman and let me tell you, you should definitely not believe the hype._

**John L.  
** _Yo, you're texting me while some other guy's singing to you? I think I'd rather be friends with him. You're rude._

**Alex H.  
** _Well, technically he's singing at the potatoes he's cutting, so I doubt he'll feel neglected. I'll make up for not nagging him in the kitchen now by weaving poetry at the dinner table, not to worry._

**John L.  
** _Date night?_

**Alex H.  
** _Oh John, I wish you knew me better so you'd understand how funny that is. Not a date, not even close. It's just Lafayette making dinner to make sure I eat properly. As much as I enjoy working with food, I tend to forget cooking for myself. Shoemaker's son always goes barefoot._

**Alex H.  
** _He's my boss, remember? The one who saved me from losing my soul to Corporate America? He's cute but I wouldn't dream of it._

Alexander bit his lip and, _how long after a guy's lost his father are you allowed to hit on him?_ He opened his mouth to ask Laf but thought better of it, remembering his reaction to a simple smile before.

It took some time for John to reply and Alex was already regretting mentioning his friend at all.

 

**John L.  
** _Sorry, my sister decided now was a good time for me to empty my corner of the attic. It was just three boxes but she thought I should get to it while I'm packing._

**Alex H.  
** _No problem. Where are you headed?_

**John L.  
** _Brooklyn. Home. I'm going back the day after tomorrow; can't miss anymore work._

**Alex H.  
** _I'm not sure how you feel about it so I'll let you pick my reaction:  
_ _"That sucks!"  
_ _"Oh, that's good!"_

**John L.  
** _Hahaha, you're an idiot. And I don't know, I hate leaving my sister but I think I'll feel better when I'm home. New York has always helped me find my center, you know?_

**Alex H.  
** _I've actually never been._

**John L.  
** _SERIOUSLY? Where do you live?_

**Alex H.  
** _I have a feeling you're going to yell again: Boston. I used to live in DC, a few years back._

**John L.  
** _BUT THAT'S SO CLOSE! DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA YELL!_

**John L.  
** _Nah but really, I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea, I'm not insane. It's just a city that's helped me so much. It felt strange for you to not even know it._

**John L.  
** _I mean... No, that just sounded weird. No way to fix it._

**Alex H.  
** _It's fine. If anything, I'm honored you think so highly of me._

**Alex H.  
** _Can I say something and have the laws of awkwardness suspended for a minute?_

**John L.  
** _I sure could benefit from that. Go for it._

**Alex H.  
** _I feel like we have a connection. And it sounds so lame, but I don't know how else to describe it. We're virtually strangers but it feels good to talk to you, it feels different from my other friends and I think you might feel that way too? Like, I feel comfortable to talk about things that, I can talk about with other people, but it took a long time for them to earn that kind of trust. Maybe I'm just being reckless but... I trust you. And I enjoy talking to you. And I don't want this to be a one-off thing._

**John L.  
** _Well, that's awkward._

**John L.  
** _Just kidding. I do feel that way too, Alexander. I can't say I have a lot of friends that I talk this stuff with. I don't really have any close friends, none that I can really be myself around, you know? It's like we talked about last time. With you, I don't know that I'm being 100% myself, but... It's the closest I've been. It's a bit scary, but it's also nice and I wouldn't want to lose that._

**Alex H.  
** _Okay, so. When I tell you, in a minute, that dinner's ready and I have to go, can we promise to talk again soon?_

**Alex H.  
** _I'm not saying set a date and time or whatever, just. Keep it in mind._

**John L.  
** _I'd like that._

**Alex H.  
** _Good. So._

**Alex H.  
** _John, dinner's ready. I have to get going._

**John L.  
** _Go ahead, Alex. We'll talk soon._

**John L.  
** _I promise._


	3. Rebels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I saw on TV about this little kid  
> who had a pig for a pet  
> his mom had once been attacked by a dog  
> so a pig was the closest thing he could get.  
> -this has of course nothing to do with anything  
> I just get so nervous when I'm talking to you

John woke up to a strange noise. It was late, the midday sun shone through the curtains but he'd decided to allow himself to sleep in. He turned in bed, willing the noise away as he tried to place where he recognised it from. Is that my fucking ringtone? Shit.

Thoughts raced through his head; nobody ever called him, this was an exceptional event and exceptional events were rarely good. The last call he remembered receiving that wasn't from a sales agent meant the news of his father's death. He twisted, fighting against the sheets, as he scrambled for his phone. His eyes were still blurry and he couldn't read the ID but he answered anyway, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

 

"Yeah, hello?"

"John!" Who?

"Uh... Yeah..."

"John, it's Alex! Alexander, from the... uh... I work in catering?"

Oh.

It had been a while since their texts. A month or so. John had meant to write, he had meant to pick up the conversation but... He was never very good at that. He felt like a bother, at first. He didn't know what to say. And then he just felt guilty. The last few messages stared at him. Alexander had made him promise they'd speak again soon and he had failed at such a simple request. It was easy enough to ignore it, even with the small pinprick at the back of his mind that begged him to just reach out, talk to him again. John had rationalised it away, though. Tried to at least. Yes, they had a weird connection, and he'd never felt more comfortable with anyone before. But they also lived in different cities and no matter how attractive and entrancing John found him, Alexander had his own life, away from him. What was he even looking for? What did he hope to accomplish by talking to a random man he'd met once at his father's funeral of all places?

That was all irrelevant now, since said man had picked up the phone and called him. John sat up and ran a hand roughly through his face.

"Shit, yeah, Alex, hi. I'm sorry, I'm still mostly asleep, I didn't see the caller ID and I didn't recognise your voice."

"Oh shit, is this a bad time? Were you sleeping? I can-"

"No, no no. It's fine, I wa... I want to talk to you." He rolled his eyes at himself, at how his sleepy mind had clearly lowered his inhibitions. He could hear Alexander's smile in his reply.

"Alright, that's good, John. From what I gather, you must have had a long night, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, bit of a headache but I'll live." His eyes opened all the way for the first time. "What do you mean I had a long night? How... How do you know that?"

Alexander laughed; it was a small thing but John had completely forgotten about that sound and damn it, he missed it. It sounded so real.

"I saaaw her" Alexander was singing. I must still be asleep. "in the anti-war demonstraaaaation" John was pretty sure that last part was not an actual note, and he was taking a mental picture of Alex's fresh, beautifully flawed singing voice when he registered the lyrics.

"Wait, the protest? You saw me?"

"Yeah, I caught your pretty mug on TV this morning. Some recap thing. I didn't know that was your scene though, I thought you were more of the silently indignant type."

"Shit, was I... D'you think my sister might have seen?"

It was a trans rights protest. His family wouldn't think he was trans but the leap from that to gay wasn't big, especially not for conservative republicans, and he was still not ready to have that conversation. And if Alex had seen him...

"No, John, relax. Don't worry. It wasn't a close-up or anything, I just noticed a head of poofy hair in the background and made an effort to find your three-pixel freckles. You had to... um... You had to be looking for you to see you, I guess."

John breathed a sigh of relief and let Alexander's last, sheepish words really hit him.

"Were you hoping to see me?"

"I guess? I mean, I was watching the news and they mentioned Brooklyn and LGBT issues and... It's not rational -trust me, I know-, but I guess I paid a bit more attention to anyone with curls. Not that it was at all satisfying to see a blurred out silhouette of the guy I haven't talked to in a month."

"Shit, Alex I'm so sorry, I meant to talk to you, I just..."

"Hold up, I don't blame you. I can't, really, I could've talked to you just the same and didn't but, um... Was there a reason, for your silence?"

"I just... It's stupid, I didn't know what to say. Our talks have always seemed so effortless and I'm an idiot at socialising and any conversation opener seemed forced and stupid and... I'm sorry, I just didn't."

"Anyw-" John cut him off.

"I wanted to, though." He'd be bold, he decided. "I've been thinking about you, and what we talked about, and the way we talk and I really wanted to be in touch. I don't want you to think that I didn't care, I just... I suck." _Cue self-deprecating laugh._

"You don't suck, idiot. You're just awkward, I guess. I can relate to that."

"You?"

"Well, it might be hard to believe with how confident and suave I am now, I know, but it's still a bit nerve-racking to talk to new people. I don't really have a good excuse for not reaching out either. I guess I didn't want to seem pushy, I didn't know how you were doing and... Yeah, a text could have solved that but, yeah. Maybe we're both idiots."

"Well, I guess we're perfect for each other then." Oh my God I need to shut up right now.

Alexander laughed. Loudly this time. John could imagine him tilting his head forward and shaking his whole body. He smiled.

"Seems that way, dear. But really, I called to see if you were alright, the news report said there'd been riots at the end of that protest and you know, never fully trust the media and all that, but I couldn't get it off my head. I guess that's what it took for me to call, eh?"

"First of all, no one in our generation ever calls, Alexander. I didn't even recognise my own ringtone just now. But yeah, I'm fine. I left before it went downhill. My friends and I, we've been going to a lot of rallies and stuff, and they seem to always get messy right at the end. We suspect police might be infiltrating to make us look like troublemakers and justify their violence."

"Damn, that's heavy. I'm glad you're alright though. So what's this revolutionary side of yours that I knew nothing about?"

 

John tried to hide his discomfort. It wasn't new for him to feel strongly about social issues, but acting on that passion had been a recent development.

"Well, remember what I had said about figuring out who I am out of my father's shadow and what not? I've been stepping outside my element more, or rather, what I used to consider my element. Which was basically quiet safe spaces where I didn't need to make any strong statements or talk much to anyone."

"Oh, so you're a rebellious punk, now? Should I be scared?"

"Shut up, you idiot. I joined this queer feminist book club -I gotta tell you, it took me like five times of walking in front of that book store before I actually got the nerve to go in- and things just kind of clicked, you know?" John made a pause and really thought about it. "I mean, I had friends before, I have friends from before and I care about them. But it's the first time that, from the moment I stepped inside the place, I was myself. I'd never need to reveal a part of me to these people. I'd never have to lie to them about who I am. It was incredible. Without those restraints I just... I let myself be. Next thing I knew, I was shouting through a megaphone about gay rights every other week."

"That... Wow, John, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you, you... You sound like yourself, you sound happy."

John didn't know about happy, but he felt more comfortable than ever and, however silly it might be, he believed it to be thanks to Alexander to an extent. Just speaking to this man at his father's funeral had opened so many doors within his mind. He'd come out to him after just a few hours, for the first time put his identity into words. It would be a lie to say that hadn't changed everything.

"It's changed my life, really." He said softly, though he wasn't sure if he was speaking about his new friends, about his father's death, about Alexander...

"I haven't been sleeping well." Alex didn't seem to like the quiet for too long, even when, at least to John, it had seemed comfortable enough.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I... I've been having nightmares. I haven't told my friends because I'd hate to worry them but I can't seem to shake them off."

"Are you sleeping at all?"

"Um... Not much. I don't think I've slept more than 10 minutes straight in the past couple of days."

"Shit, Alex, that's... That's not good, you must feel awful."

"Well, yeah. I'm not at my best, definitely. But I spent so many sleepless nights at law school that I'm sort of used to feeling like this."

"That's fucked up, you shouldn't normalise being sleep-deprived."

"I know, I know. I'm a mess."

"That's not what I'm saying, Alex." John tried to soften his voice, not to let his worry seep into his tone. "Just have higher standards for what you deserve."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..." John pushed past his own embarrassment. "I do know. You're amazing, Alexander. You're the most amazing person I've ever met and you don't deserve to be in pain. I understand you can't help it right now, that you can't control your sleep patterns, but... Don't for a second thing this is something you'll just get used to it. Don't get used to being miserable, 'cause... 'Cause you deserve to be happy and joyful and... Amazing. I said that word a lot."

"John, I... Thank you. I know we've talked quite a bit but I don't think I've ever discussed these um... These feelings... Shit, there's a reason why I don't talk about this." He could hear his throat closing up a bit, the words coming out strained, and he realised Alexander was on the verge of tears.

"Hey, it's okay. You can tell me, after all I'm a relative stranger who cares about you. Isn't that the perfect recipe for a confidant?" That forced a small laugh out of Alex, but that same sound made it clear that he was full-on crying now.

"I've been... I've spent so much of my life trying to prove people wrong. Trying to earn my place among them. All my studies, all my work... I never felt good enough. No matter what I did, I was never good enough, not to them." John wasn't sure who _they_  were. "And after a while, I started to believe it, I guess. That I wasn't good enough, that I'd never be good enough. That I couldn't stop working myself to death because I just didn't deserve to..." He paused and cried, his stuttered breaths loud on the speaker. "Lafayette helped so much, I don't think... I don't think he knows how much. Moving out of DC, working with my hands, making food... It's been such a change. I feel useful in my job now. I feel like I can satisfy others with what I do. But still... These things don't just go away. I've been so blessed in many ways but I still feel like I have to pay back those blessings by enduring more pain..."

"Hey, it's okay, sweetheart, you should cry all you need to. I'm here." John didn't even realise he was using a pet name and he wouldn't have cared if it helped Alex.

"Th-Thank you. John. Thank you." He paused and sniffled, a small chuckle mixing between the sobs. "You're amazing."

John laughed, so fond of this man he barely knew, this man he'd neglected to talk to for so long out of sheer stupidity. He promised himself he wouldn't be so dumb again.

"Alex, you... I hope I someday find a way to truly let you know how amazing you are. How much you deserve happiness and love and every good thing you can wish for. I can't erase your pain, I can't say something that will take away these feelings you have. But I hope you'll count on me, from now on. I hope you'll text me or call me whenever you're feeling like this, like you're not enough. And I'll try to tell you how much you've helped this idiot with just a few words."

"John, I... Can we promise not to be total idiots from now on? Just text me a fucking cat picture, I don't care. I... I don't want to have to imagine what you're doing."

"Yeah... Yes. I'll flood you with pictures of Tulip."

"Tulip?"

"My cat."

"You named your cat Tulip?"

"Why not? I love tulips." John could hear Alex typing quickly. "What are you doing?"

"Googling flower meanings."

"Seriously? I just find their shape and colors nice!"

"Huh."

"What? Do they have some awful meaning? Did I name my cat after losing a relative or some other Oedipal shit?"

"No, you idiot. Undying, passionate love. Whether the passion is spurned or returned."

"Oh. I've never thought of myself like that."

"Like what? Passionate?"

"Yeah."

"Well, dear John, you're in the process of figuring out a new you. Maybe there's passion in your future. You just need to discover who you are with someone else."

"Yeah..."

"John?"

"Yes?"

"I'm exhausted."

"Go to bed. You need it."

"I can't sleep."

"Then lie down while we talk. And if you fall asleep, I'll be flattered."

"That's the opposite of what you should feel." John heard a rustle of fabric and assumed Alex was lying down.

It only took ten minutes of small talk, John carefully lowering his voice and controlling the cadence of his words, until Alexander stopped replying and he could hear the soft sound of relaxed breathing.

 

It was a couple of days later that John remembered Alex singing and googled the words he'd sung to him.

" _I saw her in the anti-war demonstration,_ " A sweet and honest voice sang. " _It was a sweet sensation of love_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The summary quote is from Jens Lekman's song "Kanske är jag kär i dig" (title translates to "Maybe I'm in love with you), it's a beautiful song and I was listening to it the other day and it made me think of this story.  
> The song Alex sings is also by Jens Lekman, it's called "I saw her in the anti-war demonstration" and it's a silly nod because I'm silly like that. And also, it seemed like a stupid thing Alex might say.
> 
> Thanks everyone for all the love you've been showing this story! I hope it's still to your liking and that following chapters don't disappoint. <3


	4. Dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short-ish and I'm not super happy with how it turned out but I don't want to keep dwelling on it, I want to keep this story moving forward, so there.  
> I hope it's still enjoyable!

 

 

**Alex H.**  
_I mean, I know I should just say something but, uggghhhh_

**John L.  
** _I know: why can't they figure it out on their own?_

**Alex H.**  
_Right? Like, social cues, I don't know._

**Alex H.  
** _Do you ever read stories about friendship or relationships that are so amazingly in sync, or maybe not in sync, maybe it's... I feel like there's this closeness, this thing that makes two or more people feel connected and understand each other on such a basic level that their relationship, whatever the nature, is one step higher than any other._  

**John L.  
** _Yeah... Do you think that's real though?_

**Alex H.  
** _I don't know. But I've always wanted that. I might have been measuring my friendships with that unfair stick._

**Alex H.  
** _And I mean I do appreciate them. There's moments, when we get together, when I look around me and I can't believe how lucky I am to have found these people. Who are all so different and yet care for each other. I can't believe I'm a part of that..._

**Alex H.  
** _Maybe I don't fully believe I am._

**John L.  
**_I think friendship's always described as this natural, easy thing, and it's anything but. When I was a teenager, I had this friend. She was great, I really cared about her. But I'd listen to all her problems, try to advise her and help her through her shit while keeping my own issues quiet. Until one day she confronted me. She said she didn't understand why I didn't consider her a friend. I was so confused. She was upset that as much as I always helped her, I never asked for_ her _help in return._

**Alex H.  
** _And did that make you open up to her?_

**John L.  
** _Not really. But it did make me think a lot. I haven't forgotten that conversation in twelve years. And I still struggle with opening up, of course. But I try. And I'd like to think I'm slowly getting better._

**Alex H.  
** _I'm sure you are. You've talked to me about a lot of personal things. I think you're pretty open about yourself._

**John L.  
** _Well yeah, but._

**John L.  
** _You're kind of an exception._

-

Alexander had gone out. Hercules had insisted that he needed to get 'out there' again.

It had only been three months since his last date. He didn't think it was that long, especially considering how he had misread the things he had in common with the cute girl he'd met at the laundromat. He was always open to meeting new people, but that had been a disastrous date, and it had left him tired. Tired of having to fake-smile his way through a whole evening, wondering why he couldn't have just been honest. Said Hey, we're clearly different people and this is not going to be a fun evening for either of us, what do you say we finish our drinks and head our own separate ways? No hard feelings. 

The thing was, that date had been before John. And John was no help. Beautiful John, honest and open John. Alex sighed loudly as he closed the door to his apartment. He should have known tonight would feel weird. Kalin was lovely. They were a friend of one of Herc's coworkers or something like that. Alex wasn't sure, he'd got lost in the story when Hercules talked him into the date and once he was at the bar, he'd forgotten all about it. He'd actually had fun with them. They were attractive and charming, and their eyes seemed to sparkle when they laughed. Alex had been surprised to enjoy himself, and Kalin seemed to have liked him enough. They'd even talked about open relationships and relieving themselves from the pressure of normative dating styles, which was something Alex could write essays about. Kalin seemed perfect for him. Alex had kissed them outside the bar, after they'd held his hand and explained they'd honestly had a great time but had to get up early the next morning. It had been a good kiss. He felt he'd want to do it again.

Yet now that he was back home, out of the haze that encircled the date, it felt like reality had hit him in the face. The reality that, no matter who he met, or how much fun he had, he'd still think about John. And as he sat on his bed and took off his boots he reminded himself that it was alright, that he could care for more than one person, that it wouldn't take away from anything he might build with Kalin or anyone else. And he could always have John's friendship; and maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday that might be enough.

 

He felt restless. He walked over to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea and sat on the counter. He took out his phone. His eyes set on John's last message. The cry-laugh emoji. He remembered him covering his smile back at his childhood home, it seemed like ages ago. He called.

 

"Alex?"

"Please tell me I didn't wake you again."

John chuckled and Alex smiled and things seemed to align for a moment.

"Nah, I'm just tired. Only just got home. Got drinks with some friends. T'was fun."

"Holy shit, John are you drunk?"

"Naaah." He was definitely at least tipsy. His voice was softer than usual and showed a bit of an accent. "I'm just happy."

"You are?" Alex couldn't keep the fondness from reaching his voice.

"Yeah, I mean. I had fun tonight, with good people. Friends. Hah." He seemed to have just come to that realisation. "My friends are cool. I'm happy to have them. And then you called, and you're cool too, so yeah. It's a good night."

"Oh, I'm cool?"

"Psshhhhh." John spluttered. He was decidedly drunk.

"You're pretty cool too, John."

"You know? I'm starting to think I might be!" John giggled at that and it made Alexander's heart soar. Not because of the cute sound - _stop lying to yourself, it was a bit about that_ -, but hearing John say nice things about himself was amazing. Alex didn't think John had  been having _such_ a rough time when they met, but he was aware his self-confidence was clearly at a low point. And Alex got to witness him find himself, grow comfortable in his own skin. Even if it was from afar, it was amazing to watch.

"You want me to let you sleep?"

"What? No! Talk to me. Why'd you call? I mean, you don't need a reason but, you know..." John didn't seem to be about to finish that sentence so Alex tried to think about why indeed he had made this phone call.

"Um... How much did you have to drink?"

"Psshhh, I dunno. There were shots?"

Alex didn't want to lie, and he figured if John was as hammered as he seemed, then maybe he could leave up to the universe to decide whether he'd remember this conversation the next day or not.

"I just got home from a date."

"Oh." John got quiet and Alex immediately regretted this idea. "Was it.. uh... How was it?"

"It was good, they were lovely. I had fun but I..." He sighed, ran his hand all over his face. "They were great but at the end of the night I came home and I wanted to hear your voice."

"Oh." It was quiet for a moment. "Alex, I... Shit. Lemme... Gimme a second, I need to get my thoughts straight."

"John, it's fine. I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything, honest. I just... I just care about you and you're a good person to have in my life."

"I was gonna say," He was speaking slowly now, as if carefully choosing every word. "that I'm flattered. And it makes me happy that you want to talk to me. And that your voice is pretty. And you're pretty. But that's not the right word but you know. And I... We don't live in the same city." He almost whined.

"I know, John. Trust me, I wish we did."

"So like. You should go out with this person. Have fun. Be happy. And I... You can always call me, Alex. I like you a lot."

"I like you a lot, too, John."

"Yaaay" John said softly, his voice losing volume and his breathing evening out.

"John? You wanna sleep now?"

"Yah."

"Goodnight, John."

"Mhmm. G'night 'Lex."

 

Alexander hung up and stared at his phone. Then at his hands. Then at the wall.

They did live in different cities, he hadn't missed that detail in their months of long-distance-friendship. And Alex did believe he could care for more than one person at the same time. And Kalin truly was lovely, and beautiful, and special... Maybe they wouldn't mind the corner of his heart that was already irreparably John's.

 

-

**John L.  
** _Alex_

**Alex H.  
** _John_

**John L.  
** _I'm sorry I was drunk last night. I hope I didn't sound too stupid._

**Alex H.  
** _Not at all, it was funny and cute._

**John L.  
** _Still._

**John L.  
** _I know I probably said it the wrong way, but I do like you Alex. And I want you to be happy._

**Alex H.  
** _I wasn't sure you'd remember all that._

**John L.  
** _I remember. I'm just too embarrassed to actually call you and use my voice to talk about it._

**John L.  
** _DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME THIS IS HARD ENOUGH._

**Alex H.  
** _Relax, we can text._

**Alex H.  
** _I do like you, John. But we have our lives in our cities, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt you._

**John L.  
** _Look. Even if we were to like... um... Do something about us like, liking each other. I wouldn't own you, you'd always be free to do whatever made you happy._

**Alex H.  
** _You can't TYPE the phrase 'even if we were dating'? You're too precious, John, damn._

**John L.  
** _Oh my god, shut up, you asshole._

**John L.  
** _What I'm trying to say, what I think I said last night, is that yes, I like you, and it would be great if we lived in the same city, but we don't, and I know that. So you're not going to hurt me by living your life. You should go out with whoever you want, and have fun. And I'll still be here. Nothing has to change just because we said a few words._

**John L.  
** _I mean, this thing we have is already pretty great to me. I don't need anything else from you._

**Alex H.  
** _Oh? I recall you saying something about me being pretty last night..._

**John L.  
** _Seriously? I wrote a full paragraph being honest and open and you're commenting on how I'm saying I don't need you to fuck me in order to make this worthwile?_

**Alex H.  
** _Sorry, you're right. Kind of couldn't resist._

**Alex H.  
** _Thank you for saying all that though. Just in case it's necessary, I feel the same way. I want you to have fun and be free and explore every weirdo in Brooklyn that you wish to. I like you, yeah, but we're friends, and I would never let anything get in the way of that._

**John L.  
** _< 3_

**Alex H.  
** _That's gay._

**John L.  
** _You're impossible, why do I like you?_

**Alex H.  
** _No idea._

_-_

**John L.  
**_Just FYI, the fact that I don't_ need _something doesn't mean I might not_ want _it. Just saying._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done > perfect.
> 
> If I feel so inclined, I might edit it a bit later on, or add a bis chapter to broaden this topic but yeah.  
> Basically, what I wanted this chapter to say was that they like each other, and they know that, but that that shouldn't stop them from seeing people because they're not seeing each other, they just have their thing that they can't define and enjoy. Kind of like an unofficial, long distance, pseudo-platonic, open relationship I guess. It's weird but it's allowed to be weird and I kinda like that for now. It might be a queer-platonic thing but I'm honestly so confused about what those imply that I wouldn't want to use that term.  
> Pretty much: open relationships = author cheers!
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> (Also, I'm going on a second interview for this cool job tomorrow and I'm getting nervous so send good thoughts my way if you can spare them!)  
> (Also #2, the format for this got all fucked up, so if there's something weird I missed when fixing it please let me know!)  
> OH AND ONE LAST THING: I'm like halfway done with the next SND chapter if anyone reading this follows it, just an fyi that I've definitely not abandoned that,


	5. Pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN AGES I'm so sorry.  
> Life is messy but this is a story I have mapped out and it's short and sweet and I really don't want to leave it unfinished.  
> So I won't.  
> This is super short but idk.  
> Only one more chapter left. Eeep!

 

John hung up the phone, his eyes still wet and his breathing a bit ragged. He sat back on the couch and Maria placed her hand over his.

"You did it, John. How are you feeling?"

He took a deep breath, his eyes unfocused.

"Weird. So weird. I just... Did that really just happen?" He looked at her and she smiled kindly at him.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it did. I'm proud of you, babe."

"I love you, Mar" He placed his head on her shoulder and she hugged him from the side.

“What do you want to do now?” She said after a few comfortable minutes in silence. 

“Promise not to judge me too hard?”

“Just for today, sure”

John bit his lip and stayed put, making sure he wouldn’t have to look Maria in the eye when he said it. 

“I want to tell Alex about it”

“John, why would i judge you about that?”

“Because, this thing we have, it’s weird and probably such a bad idea. But I can’t help feeling like he needs to know. He’s been a huge part of my process of... self awareness, I guess. I want him to know.”

“Honey, I think that makes perfect sense. I know I wasn’t super enthusiastic about Alex after the fifth first date you came back from comparing them to him, but... I see your face when you mention him. I won’t try to understand your relationship with him but if he makes you smile like that, then who am I to say anything?”

He hugged her a bit tighter before letting go to grab his phone and start texting. He was halfway through writing when Maria, looking over his shoulder, grabbed his phone from his hand. 

“John Laurens, no. No way.”

“What?”

“You’re not telling him over text! Come on!”

“You know how awkward I am on the phone! I’m not calling him!”

“Oh come on John don’t you want to hear his voice when you tell him? Or better yet, see his face?” She waved his phone, showing the videochat app. 

John hesitated for a second and that seemed to be enough of an answer, for Maria was calling him. He didn’t want to stop her, so he didn’t.

Every ring made his stomach twist though; this would be the closest they’d be from face to face, and he wasn’t sure how that would feel. Yes, there was a frequent tab on his browser showing the train schedule to Boston, but as often as he’d look through it and imagine buying a ticket, John wouldn’t have dared be so impulsive.

The ringing made way to some windy ambient noise and Maria tilted the phone away from John as Alex appeared on screen.

“You’re not John.”

Judging by the sounds, John guessed he was outside. There was the howl of wind, a bird here and there and every so often the mumble of strangers passing by. Was he at a park?

“Nice to meet you, too” Maria answered, with one lifted eyebrow and a smirk. “I hope you’ve heard half as much of me as I’ve heard of you.”

“Well that sounds ominous. Can I guess you’re John’s friend Maria? I think I recognize you from John’s instagram”

“Ooh, stalker! But yeah, I am. It’s a pleasure to see you in motion, Alexander.”

“Same to you. If I’m not being too rude though, why are you calling me? Is everything alright?”

Maria looked over the phone at John and he pictured what that might look like to Alex. He nodded at her once. 

“Everything’s great, don’t worry. John was going to call you but I stole his phone in order to meet you first. I’ll leave you with him though!”

She covered the microphone with her hand and said “I’ll be in the kitchen” as she passed the phone to John at last and left the room. He took a deep breath and turned it around to find Alex’s face staring at him. 

“Hey”

“I figured you were at a park”

“Yeah, I come here often to write. It’s a good balance between peaceful and busy. You’d like it”

“I’m sure I would” John allowed himself to think back to the train for a second. “You look good”

“You look like you’ve been crying, what’s going on?”

“I um... it’s not bad crying. I just...”

“Hey” he said softly “you know you can tell me anything and also, you don’t need to tell me at all. I just worry is all”

“I want to tell you, it’s the whole reason I called”

“Oh?”

John looked at the screen. At Alexander’s face, so open and caring. At his hair which was already growing from the fresh look he’d shown him the week before in a pout-faced selfie outside the salon. At the way his sunglasses covered his eyes but he could still see the fond twinkle they held in the memories he kept of him.

He loved this man. He wasn’t sure how or why, or what could become of them, but he knew his feelings well and it was scarier than anything, but he wanted to be this afraid. He’d never allowed himself that kind of fear before. 

“I just got off the phone with my sister. I came out to her. And my grandma. It was... they were great, really. It took a bit for my nana to understand but she doesn’t seem to care. And Martha was crying so much, she said she was happy i trusted her with that. It was good... it felt so good...”

“John, I...” Alex took off his sunglasses and his eyes seemed wet, too, as John began shedding quiet tears. “I know it might not make much sense but I am so, so proud of you.” There was a moment of silence as John tried to find the way to put his feelings into words, but Alex spoke again. "So, has your entire world turned upside down?"

John actually laughed at that, knowing Alexander already knew the answer to that.

"It's so weird, like. Of course I knew it wouldn't, that I wouldn't suddenly feel confident and amazing just because I'd said it to my family, but I'm still kind of... Disappointed? Like, don't get me wrong, it feels amazing to have it be out in the open and to have received a positive response but also... I don't know, is this it? I was expecting something... bigger."

"I know. Coming out is weird. If you're lucky, it's a bigger deal when you imagine it than when it actually happens, which has a bit of a strange effect. You've prepped yourself to deal with a possibly shitty situation and then it just... doesn't happen."

"Right, but then it's not like I wanted it to be awful! It makes no sense."

"Nah, it doesn't really. But we're humans, we don't make much sense most of the time." Alex smirked and John felt his chest swelling up with so many things he couldn't quite catalogue. He took a deep breath.

“Look, Alex. I wanted to tell you but also, I wanted to thank you. I don’t think... I don’t know, this would probably have happened eventually but like...” he lifted his eyes and stared at Alex through the screen. “You played a big part in all of this. In me accepting myself, in living like this, in... embracing the fear of being who I am. Just... yeah. Thank you.”

“John... I’m glad if I’ve inspired you in some way, but this is all you. It’s no small feat to open oneself to the world, and I don’t want you to take credit off yourself. You’re amazing and brave and beautiful, and the world is yours. I... I kind of wish I could hug you right now.” John watched as Alexander bit his lip and looked down, and he smiled widely at the screen.

“I’m sure we’ll meet again soon, Alexander. We owe each other quite a few hugs dare I say.”

“You’re damn right! I love technology and all but yeah... Not quite the same”

It was awkward for a moment; tense and full of feelings and hopes and frustrations. John made up his mind. 

“I should go, Maria’s probably eavesdropping from the kitchen and I don’t wanna be rude.”

“Sure. I’ll talk to you later, John. And, congratulations.” He spoke softly, a fond note in his voice as he put his sunglasses back on and smiled.

“Thanks. Bye.”

 

He took a deep breath as he set down his phone. He felt himself full of power somehow, a strange combination of adrenaline and exhilaration and a peace of mind that seemed to make everything clearer. He stood up and walked to the kitchen, finding Maria attacking a bag of chips with no shame.

"So? Happily ever after, yet?"

"Not quite, but... I think I finally figured out what I want."

 

-

 

**John L.**

_You look pretty in the sun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH I hate how short this is. I might edit it later -hopefully.
> 
> EDIT: I just went back to last chapter and saw I mentioned a job interview in my notes- if anyone remembers, I got that job! It’s cool but also intense, hence my disappearance from writer-world. I’m just now starting to get the hang of it so I hope I’ll be back soon with THE LAST chapter omg


	6. Arrival

It was loud and hot and crowded and Alexander felt happy. He felt sweat on the back of his neck but he swung his head one side and another and it was gone, a fresh breeze bringing momentary relief from the warm weather. Thousands of people moved around him; talking, laughing. A tall woman with bright pink cheekbones and a megaphone led a chant.

He looked to his side and saw Lafayette dancing with a group of people he'd never seen before. Smiling widely, glitter all over his hair. He turned and looked around, so many people smiling, happy, proud.

He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket and sighed as he saw who was calling, a swell of happiness mixed with nostalgia. He was used to that bittersweet feeling.

 

"Happy Pride, Johnny!"

He heard a ridiculous laugh from the other side. There were loud noises and cheers, and Alex tried to picture John in New York.

"Johnny? That's new"

"I'm happy, thought I'd try something new."

"I can relate to that... I can't really believe I'm here. I'm happy but also like... Seriously nervous."

"John, relax. You don't belong anywhere else. Have fun, smile, enjoy yourself! This is all for you!"

"I don't think all of these people came to celebrate the wonder that is John Laurens, as fabulous as I admit to be."

"Really? And here I was with my sparkly John Rules tank top!"

“Nah, you must have left it at home after you saw it clashed with that ridiculous pink cap you’re wearing.”

“How dare you! It’s not ridiculous it’s-” Wait. 

Alex turned in a full circle, unable to focus his eyes anywhere but still searching frantically “How did you-? Are you-? John?” Silence “John? Are you there??”

There was no answer, Alex could only hear the noise of the crowd in a weird stereo through his phone and all around him. His mind going a mile a minute and nothing in his context aided his need to focus. He didn’t dare believe it but the only thing flashing through his mind was a simple sentence: _John is around here somewhere. John knows what you’re wearing, he’s seen you. He’s here. He’s come from New York. He’s left what was probably a fun group pride hang with his friends to come here. To see you_. He forced himself to breathe, to dismiss all thoughts of his doubtful worthiness.

Lafayette shook him out of his daze. 

“Alex? Is everything alright? Who is that?”

Only then did he notice he was still holding his phone to his ear, even though there was no sound coming out of it anymore. 

“I... I don’t know, John just called and he...” his gaze was lost, trying to put words to his thoughts and feelings was proving more challenging than ever.  “He hung up and I think...”

“Holy shit!”

“What?!” Alex looked up at his friend’s face to see him staring out behind him and he turned. 

Time seemed to move faster, contrary to what he would have thought, once he noticed John weaving through the crowd. It was a blur, really. Bumping into people’s shoulders, trying to keep his breathing steady and his heart within his chest. He wanted more time to prepare but he couldn’t bare to spend another second away.

They met somewhere in the middle of the crowd, both agitated and flushed. Alexander’s eyes were wild, wide open and trying to acknowledge what they were seeing and make sure he was processing it correctly. John smiled. He smiled widely and showing his teeth. He smiled with his whole face and it was the most precious sight Alex had seen. It was a far cry from the anxious boy he’d met so long ago. It was everything he had ever wanted for him. He had dreamed of that smile, of that face full of joy, proud even in the clear anxiousness that his brash actions had brought up. He had come to Boston. He had come to look for Alex at Pride.

“You beautiful idiot...” he grasped John’s face and pressed their lips together. 

 

John had come home. As he kissed Alexander, as he held him tightly in his arms and froze that moment in his heart, he felt himself arrive. And what was strange was that it wasn’t in the other man that this feeling was held but right within him. He felt full, he felt joyful and he felt more like himself than he ever thought possible. He had come all the way here, surprising the man he loved but didn’t dare dream of having. He had taken a leap and jumped and whatever ending this thing had, whatever happened when the kiss broke, he had never felt more proud of himself. He was feeling everything, the love and the rush and the thrill and the uncertainty. The risks and the excitement and the possibilities. Everything was laid out in front of him and he had been the one to take a step and set his life in motion. 

 

_The second time they met was at pride._

 

Their lips parted eventually but Alex refused to let go of his arms. 

“You’re here

“Yeah... I just... I wanted to see you.“

“Gotta be honest here, I kind of wish I’d had the nerve to go find you. I’m not used to being upstaged.”

John chuckled, his face still so close to Alexander’s that it was hard to see him in focus. Their cheeks brushed together. 

“Would have sucked to have only switched cities but still be apart, though. God, I can’t believe you’re real.”

“You’ve met me before, love”

“No, not me. The other John met you, the lost John, I... I’ve wanted you to see the real me face to face, the one you helped push me into being. The one that’s...” he laughed at himself “the one that’s brave enough to come find you and...” he kissed Alex’s cheek “and tell you that I love you, and that I don’t care... I don’t care where you are or what you do or who you’re with because I do, I love you, Alexander and damn, it feels incredible to say that out loud.”

 

Alex pulled himself away from him and looked into his eyes. He had seen this man grow so much and he was so proud of him, so overwhelmed to be the recipient of all that feeling, all that passion. He didn’t feel undeserving in that moment, John seemed to have that effect on him; everything else just faded away and Alexander was there, present in that moment. 

“You’re smiling” he said, still in a daze. 

“I’ve got every reason to smile, Alex”

“I haven’t- I haven’t even answered you, you just said you love me and I haven’t-“

“I know. And it doesn’t matter. Whatever you say, I still love you and I never thought I’d be able to feel that. I never thought I’d be able to look in your eyes and tell you that and god, I feel amazing. I feel free and powerful and so full of energy, I don’t know how I’m gonna come down from that” he laughed, a bit of a manic laugh, a mixture of happiness and nerves and Alex had never loved him more.

“You’re amazing” he pulled him close again and kissed him hard, wrapped his arms around him and held him close as he cherished this moment. He parted their kiss for a second just to say “I love you” and pressed against him again. “How could I not love you?” Another kiss. “How could I not be hopelessly in love with you?” Another. “How could I feel any other way? I love you, John.” Their next kiss failed because John was smiling so much, and then he was laughing, and they were both laughing and holding each other close. In the middle of a parade of smiling and dancing people. 

 

Tomorrow they would think about things. About long distance, about boundaries, about respect. They’d talk about their feelings and their needs and their plans. They’d look in each other’s eyes in disbelief that they were actually together at last. 

 

But for today, they held each other and that was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it! I’ve been meaning to finish this for a while, I’m sorry it took so long. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, it’s been a nice and healing ride for me and I hope it’s made you feel something along the way.


End file.
